| Warning: This review contains breasts and vagina... and John Candy. |
| I wanted to review this movie because i actually liked it. I did not like it the first time i saw it, but i liked it everytime after that, and even as a young child, i understood the importance of animated breasts and violence, just as much as i do today. I still don't think i "get it". By that i mean, i don't know if i understand quite whats going on. A little girl is scared, and an orb is telling her stories of sex with robots? Its obvious by appearance alone that several different animators got a whack at participating in a collaboration of sorts, with a rock soundtrack. Sample conversation between Ivan Reitman (producer) and Dan Goldberg (story): So that is pretty much how i think it went, it went to conception to being written in like 30 sweaty seconds, and everyone started to think the nastiest thoughts they could as fast as they could think them, in a room with tons of lotion and asian people. The soundtrack is obviously the reason people really got into the movie. Not having seen a movie like this, ever, people loved the music in the previews and decided to give it a chance. The soundtrack came out on LP in 1981, and did not get released again until 1996, when movie finally came out on homevideo. It took so long because of the copyrights on the music, the only good thing about the movie, held it back in the rental market for almost 20 years. |
Ivan Reitman: So Dan... I was thinking for the opening sequence
you could have like two people fucking just to do it, ya know?
Dan Goldberg: Since we can draw the stars of the movie i was
thinking of drawing the tits on a girl like really big. I mean huge.
IR: Oh my god yes.
DG: Lets kill things too.
IR: Oh what the fuck its like your inside my head or some shit!
DG: I know its awesome. Call DEVO right now.
IR: I'm so calling DEVO!
DG: I drew boobbs look.
you could have like two people fucking just to do it, ya know?
Dan Goldberg: Since we can draw the stars of the movie i was
thinking of drawing the tits on a girl like really big. I mean huge.
IR: Oh my god yes.
DG: Lets kill things too.
IR: Oh what the fuck its like your inside my head or some shit!
DG: I know its awesome. Call DEVO right now.
IR: I'm so calling DEVO!
DG: I drew boobbs look.
The Reitman
| What i think Dan Goldberg would look like |
Sound Track
|
| Heavy Metal Trailer (1981) |
| Let's get into the memories for a second. I had watched this movie about 30-40 times in one summer with my buddy Kyle Messmer. When HM had been re-released onto video and DVD in 1996, they had also released a special version of it on Pay-Per-View at the same time. Kyle had a "box" so he could get all the stations and channels, including the ones you pay for. So one summer instead of going outside and doing anything productive, his mom cooked really good food for us and we we watched this movie until we were driven outside into the heat. (At this time i was in florida, and its fucking hot here!) I loved the opening cinematic and the first short story to follow with the taxi cab driver, Harry Canyon. He is just like any other guy, loves boobs, booze, and is looking after himself the only way he knows how. He narrates the following animation that follows him through a couple of days in his Sci-Fi life, oh, and he melts someone with some kind of ray gun aimed at the back seat, activated with a button under the petal. When you see this, of course your balls explode and you become instantly sterile its so fucking cool. So he picks up this really hot chick in front of a museum, and she spills the beans about this object her dead father dug up. Gangsters of the cyborg variety want it, and Harry has not had the sweet smell of tang in his apartment forever, so he gets her back to his place and they hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Animated breasts or not, they are fun to look at, for sure. So after he bangs her, he agrees to trade her for the artifact and some cash. He zaps the guy with the case, and when the bitch pulls a gun on him, he zaps her too which is a waste of good 'gine if you ask me. Harry sees the orb, which is named Loc-Nar by the way, and we are on to the next story. Before i go too far, here is the first part of the movie: |
| Embedding was disabled on youtube for this movie, so just click the links for the whole thing and get it over with. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 - Missing Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 - MIssing Part 8 Part 9 |
| So for the next part this kid is jerking off in his room, acting nerdy and being scientific, when he discovers the weird orb from outer space. The voice of this character is John Candy of course, so you know your in for a treat right away. He gets swept into some kind of portal, and now he is a super muscled man and all the hot amazon chicks from this world want his "dork". Well he meets this girl from his world also with a hot body, and he saves her. She of course shows him how happy she is by having super anime sex with him. When you go through a portal to another world, you turn black. Just a warning for you white-breads out there scared of being afronesian. They get captured and the princess or queen or whatever wants to have sex with him too and offers herself to him, which stays right along with the theme. Okay blah blah and him and the girl escape, get the orb and recreate what brought them there banishing all the baddies back to Florida i guess. Our heroes decide to stay, being ugly back on earth didnt suit them i guess, and they ride off into the sunset. Naked. |
| The next three sequences were not that memorable so ill sum them up for you real quick like. One is called Captain Sternn, where a guy is in court for a whole bunch of charges which he pleads not guilty for. This guy is defending him, Hannover Fiste (get it!?) and gets angry, turning into the hulk and destroying shit all over the place. At this point of the movie, Kyle and i normally went to smoke a camel and pilfer a beer from his fathers reseves, as he made the stuff in the garage and had an ample supply. Anyway, the captain gets away with the orb, and flies out in space, presumably dead? Sometimes, at this point of them movie, we were forced to clean up dog shit on lanai, so what im trying to say is watching this part of the movie is worse than picking up hot dog shit. Hot because it has been sitting in the Florida sun for about 45 minutes. If it sits there any longer the other dog would come around and eat it and we dont want that. |
| I guess the next part is alright because it contains WW2 zombies. A plane makes a bombing run, gets super fucked, and everyone but a few people die. The orb comes-a-smashing in, bringing all the dead crew back to life to kill the remaining crew. The pilot manages to get the hell out, only to parachute on a island of zombie soldiers. Talk about effed-in-the-A. I may have watched this part a little bit through the sliding glass window without the sound on. In all possiblity, i dropped the dog shit i was holding and my testicles erupted in nazi zombie madness. Fuck the next story about the Robot hooker. Its not that great. Its just a tease for the end, which ends the best way a fucking movie can end. Hot barbarian chicks riding things and fucking things up. But before that happens, some aliens snort alot of coke. I can't find a picture of this, but i think its towars the end of the movie, like part 8 of 9 on youtube. |
| So anything that pretains to dogshit or snorting coke or whatever is automatically pushed to the side for the last animated sequence. The orb smashes into a volcano right away and turns all the peaceful people around there into mutants who eat brains and possibly other things as well. They start roughing up the worldly denizens of the world, so the elders pray for the last of the barbarian race to please come and save them. Well they summon this: She comes out of the sacred water and puts on her battle gear, which is no more than a black thong and bra. At this point, if your 16 years old, you may contract wooditis, which is okay, but just don't let your friend see who is sitting next to you on the couch. She shows up late, and everyone is gutted and its not a happy time. She finds the mutants, but they capture her, beat her and make her naked again, which is okay. Her bird-dinosaur comes to rescue her and of course she stomps face, and to beat all, she sacrifices herself without rolling a saving throw; right into the orb, destroying it. back at homebase, the scared little girl from the intro takes on a few characteristics of the barbarian chick, so obviously the stargate worked and somehow tranferred her soul. Next thing you know the birdosaur picks her up and off they go. Woah. Too wrap this whole thing up, id say i really like SOME parts of this movie. Its something i watched alot, so i must have really liked it. Other movies like this that i enjoyed were Fire N' Ice, and Rock and Rule. They follow the same theme of breasts with rock music. I give this movie 4 Beholders from D&D. |
